One friend (early 30s, married, no kids), said that though she didn’t plan on ever having children, if she did, she and her husband, “wouldn’t call ourselves anything. We would just be like, ‘These are our children and aren’t they nice and why is what I call them or myself any of your goddamn business.’” She added that as someone who runs her own business, she sees no reason not to think of herself as “full-time parent” to her work. Work that isn’t the rearing of children, but to her, feels just as emotionally and mentally all-consuming. After all, her ability to sustain a business is what keeps her clothed, fed, and housed. And because of this, she concluded, “I think a lot of parenting angst is incredibly stupid.”
A friend in her early 40’s who is married and a stepmother to adult children said she also is more than cool with someone who calls herself a “full-time mom”—since to her, the whole concept of “stay-at-home” moms is “dated and not appropriate for today’s mom. Most moms I know never actually are at home—they’re in school pickup lines and accompanying their children on school trips and carpooling to and from soccer, dance, softball, tennis. ‘Stay-at-home’ sounds depressing.”
Another friend in her mid-30s, and married and without children yet, said that she also felt that “stay-at-home mom” only makes women feel “lesser." She also says she is “aggressively opposed” to the idea of someone calling herself a “full-time mom” instead.
“I’m not even a mom and I’m offended by the idea that I wouldn’t be a full-time mom if I wasn’t staying home full time. When you become a mom, you are a full-time mom, full stop. And if I ever do become a mom, I could be a full-time mom, a full-time wife, a full-time friend, and a full-time member of the Vampire Diaries fandom. I contain multitudes.”
And really, don’t we all?
As another wise friend (mid-30s, married, one child, and works outside the home) put it: “All this mommy wars BS is exhausting. Don’t women have enough to deal without judging each other’s choices? Enough!”
Amen.
