Vanessa says she was misunderstood on The Ultimatum: Queer Love: 'I was very overwhelmed'

WARNING: This post contains spoilers from The Ultimatum: Queer Love episodes 5-8.

Vanessa is having a rough go of it on The Ultimatum: Queer Love, admittedly some by her own doing.

From the beginning, she had to deal with a lot more than just figuring out her relationship with her girlfriend of four years, Xander. Clashing with date-turned-rival Lexi, being accused of going on the show for fame, and seeing Xander unexpectedly find love with trial marriage partner Yoly further complicated Vanessa's journey on the show. We spoke to The Ultimatum: Queer Love's controversial participant about whether she believes she's misunderstood, what she learned from her time with own trial marriage partner, Rae, and navigating Xander falling in love with someone else.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What do you think about the energy you came onto the show with looking back?

VANESSA: I was really thinking we were all going to be friends, so I was excited to meet these people and go on dates. There's of course a chance you can fall in love that quickly, but we're all going into it with someone we are committed to. My thought process was just, Let's have fun and get to know each other. It surprised me how quickly, especially the ultimatum givers, were able to put aside the relationships they came in with just a few days ago. It really threw me off. What I came in with was a lot of excitement and positivity then quickly I realized the potential of everyone falling in love and I was very overwhelmed.

At the choice ceremony Mildred and Lexi make their feelings about your actions clear. Were there any moments before that sit-down when you realized how some of the other participants felt about you?

Mildred and I had one five-minute date, so I didn't know anything about her feelings about me because we didn't have any conversations, but with Lexi I definitely knew the night before when we had our last date. She started questioning everything about me and my existence on the show. I didn't realize how much she would hold onto those feelings. I was hopeful that we would be able to talk things through and find a common ground, but definitely at the choice ceremony. When we were leaving the ceremony I reached over to say I was wishing her and Rae the best in the experience, but I never got a second chance with Lexi.

Do you feel like you were misunderstood by the other participants?

You don't really get a chance in life to see yourself from a different lens. Looking back, I see things I've always known about me highlighted like I'm sarcastic in almost every response. Whether it's a sad situation or an infuriating situation, I'm very sarcastic. Being under the scrutiny of being filmed 24/7 I really leaned into that and it wasn't taken well. I have this kind of permanent smile and people mistook that as being mischievous or fake, but it's always been there. I'm working on it now. I didn't have dates with many people other than Lexi and Rae, so what people were judging me off of a lot was what they were hearing through the grapevine. I tried to be upfront about my reservations about marriage as an institution and I probably didn't word it well or say it clearly enough for most people.

What do you say to the critique that you were on the show to be famous?

My response is that every single person who was there chose to be on TV. I was absolutely no different. We all put our relationships on the line. We could have done this off TV, but we all chose to do it on TV.

What did you take away from your time with Rae when you reunited with Xander?

I don't think much of my trial marriage with Rae made it onto the show, which is sad because I thought it was an amazing experience. Through our conversations we realized that we were similar to each other, the way we show up in our relationships and in our fears about marriage. I'll speak for myself here, but it was almost like the advice I was giving Rae was the advice I was giving myself. Obviously I knew something was going on with Yoly and Xander. I would see them holding hands. I'm not an idiot. It broke me during my trial marriage to Rae, so she had a lot to handle. I give her props for that. I didn't know how I was going to get over Xander potentially falling in love with someone else and Rae said that Xander committed to me for four years and now it was time for me to put aside my pride and show up for her. I took that advice.

Even with Rae's advice, how difficult was it for you to navigate figuring things out with Xander after her trial marriage with Yoly?

The hardest part was relying on Xander telling me the truth about everything that happened with Yoly. The show hadn't been made yet, so I'm trying to see if Xander and I have a future and I am as committed as she is. The biggest struggle was trust and slowly that trust was being broken. If I was able to see the show, then things would have been different. Everything was being filmed, so in my mind there can be no secrets. I was honest about everything, but there's definitely things that I watched that I was surprised by.

Are there any moments or choices you would go back and change if you could?

I would have taken back my sarcastic comments. There's one moment when Rae is talking to me about how upset she was after she told Lexi about our hookup. I say, "Didn't you tell her how hot I am?" and it was totally a joke. You can see in that moment when I realized it didn't work. I tried to infuse humor so much and in that situation it was not necessary.

What was it like to have those conversations with your dad on the show?

My dad coming onto the show was great because I had a piece of home. In this experience where I hadn't been perceived very well by the other people, I was having a hard time trying to have any casual interaction with anyone. It was just a relief to have Rae, a person I'm learning to care about deeply, meet a person who helped form who I am. We had a lot of conversations during lunch and one of them had to do with marriage as an institution. It's not something my dad and I have explicitly talked about before, but knowing how he sees things I see them similarly.

You seemed to have changed your view on marriage during your time on the show. We don't know where things end with you and Xander yet, but how did this experience change your perspective?

It comes down to my trial marriage with Rae and the conversations we had. Rae realized she could commit to Lexi and I saw her go through all these questions in her mind. It made me reflect and realize I love Xander. This is someone I've had a wonderful life with for four years. Why not commit to this person? Was my hesitation that maybe we'll get divorced one day? So what. Fifty percent of couples end up getting a divorce. If you find someone who makes you happy every step of the way and is willing to grow with me, to find both individual and joint happiness, then what the hell am I so scared of? Let's get married.

The Ultimatum: Queer Love returns with its final episodes June 7 on Netflix.

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