And if this is true, reader, do you really think you can't do any better? One friend tells me that smart, capable women (herself included) date down precisely because they're used to being successful: "I just figure I can turn any bad situation around by trying harder," she says. Stephanie explains it this way: "It's a vicious cycle: Once you date a few bad apples, you come to think that's all you can expect. You get demoralized, and that just attracts more of the wrong kind." A final theory from my colleague Jenny: "I'm just a sucker for hot guys," she says. "I prioritize a gorgeous face over a great personality. But I'll grow out of it when I'm ready to get married—I promise."
Here's what I've got to say: Relationships aren't supposed to suck. You deserve to be loved, to be paid attention to, to gaze across the room, see your boyfriend and think, God, am I lucky to be with that guy, and know he's thinking the same about you.
As I write this, I realize that I myself have been the loser boyfriend. When I was dating a woman I'll call Alison a few years ago, I still had some growing up to do. One night she was trying to talk about how our relationship might be more satisfying for both of us if we communicated better. And I actually asked her, "Can we talk about this during the commercials? 24's on now." I wanted the sex and the companionship that came with having a girlfriend—but not the work. I wish now that Alison had told me to go home and watch my own TV, but instead she sighed and said, "OK." While my behavior was never her fault, she might have been surprised at what a good kick in the ass would have done for me. Luckily the next few women I dated gave me just that, and I shaped up considerably. That's why I say this to my future girlfriend, whoever she may be: If you want me to be an excellent boyfriend, accept nothing less.
Jake is a real guy, living single and writing in New York City.
